“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” – Revelations 21:4.
How does one deal with grief? That’s a question that has been on my mind as of late.
A bit of a side note, I actually began writing this piece while on the plane heading to Christchurch for my uncle’s funeral.
For context, this had been the sixth funeral in my family since the start of this year. Four of them happened literally in the past three months. So you can imagine being at the peak of emotional instability while trying to find the words to express what was on my mind.
Just like how I struggled to write a eulogy for my uncle, I also was a bit unsure about what I was going to write about for this piece. As we know, death and funerals are such dark and sad things to talk about and I totally understand that.
It wasn’t until after the funeral when I was on my flight back home, that I finally realised what to write about. Samoan funerals.
Every family commitment that takes place in Samoa all fall under one word, “Faalavelave”.
Birthdays, funerals, unveilings, weddings and others; they are all under this bracket of faalavelave’s.
The odd thing about all of this is the translation of Faalavelave. In its literal meaning, it translates to ‘interruption, disturbance, accident’.
You’d think that with special family gatherings or moments, there would be a more positive word to explain it. Yet here we are calling a family get together an ‘accident’ or a ‘disturbance’.
If you’ve been to a Samoan family funeral in full flight however, then maybe you can understand how a term such as faalavelave has been coined for the occasion.
I can’t speak on other Pacific cultures but one thing is for certain, Samoan family occasions take a lot of time – days often – and manpower to complete in comparison to your normal wedding or funeral.
Maybe that’s why the word faalavelave is appropriate, as it is an interruption to your schedule or normal life, and you have to commit fully to being part of it right from the get go.
For Samoan funerals, the busyness pretty much starts right from the time of death. There isn’t much time to cry or be sad, as you are already finding out what role you have in the family funeral.
The house of the deceased is already, by then, full with family, friends and relatives all coming through to take part. There’s the cooking, cleaning, unpacking, packing, maintenance work around the house, manpower and labour etc.
Right from the start there is so much happening and it hasn’t even been 24 hours since the person has passed!
Samoans have a big belief on the importance of aiga, family. No matter what connection you have to the deceased, you have to be there to help or chip in when you can.
Then there’s the faaaloaloga’s (gift giving). Samoan funerals run heavily on the fact that we must give to the grieving family ‘gifts’ to show that we are here to help. This is also done in return, with the family of the deceased returning the favour.
When I say gifts, I don’t mean your regular “thoughts and prayers” card. I’m talking about fine mats (ietoga), money (heaps of it too by the way), boxes of corned beef or canned fish and so much more.
The gifts are also put in a hierarchy, meaning the big dogs like church ministers or highly decorated individuals are on top of the list.
At my grandmother’s funeral a few months back, there were about 15 church ministers present. And each one of them received the gifts of money, finemats, boxes of corned beef and canned fish and food.
There is a big collection of all these goods done by the family, so that they are prepared to gift it to the people who are arriving throughout the week. This then means that a lot of money and finances is being collected within the family all chipping in to the funeral costs.
And I am talking about hundreds and thousands of dollars all coming out of people’s pockets, all in the sense of being able to do your part, whether big or small, to help with the funeral.
This financial expenditure has been a major talking point with Samoan faalavelaves, often criticised due to the massive amount of money being spent during the occasion.
Many question its relevance to the funeral as it loses the meaning of why we are there in the first place; to grieve.
So back to my question in the start, how does one deal with grief?
Having been part of many family funerals over the years and particularly the three I attended in the past two months, I have found a lot of appreciation for the Aganu’u and Faalavelaves.
Yes it is chaotic, busy and a whole heap stressful, but it is the storm and chaos you need to help deal with your grief and sadness of losing a loved one. After all is said and done within the week, you realise just how special it was being all together.
It brings together families, loved ones and friends, all bonded in alofa and faaaloalo. This is shown through the giving and receiving of gifts, time, presence and just being there as a shoulder to cry on.
Faalavelave may translate as an accident or interruption, but sometimes the most unexpected of interruptions and the unpredictability of life can create the most beautiful moments. À beautiful moment to reflect and remember those we love.
Through these past moments of grief and sadness, I may have lost so much. But I have gained more in my understanding that, in order to deal with grief, we just deal with it upfront in its raw state.
Even if that means having to make it a big occasion in itself. I am grateful for family, faith and of course my Samoan culture.
